Hey guys, well, I can't remember when the last time was that I posted, I think it might've been three weeks or at least pretty close to that. I say this because the last three weeks have been the worse three weeks in my life. That is because, well, if you still read this piece of junk and care to know. My father passed away on laborday. He left me and now it's very hard. If you really care to know how I feel, well, I'm not fine. I'm feeling a lot of things and wanting a lot of things to be the way they use to be and all that. I'm almost sure that most of you don't know what this is like and I'm absolutely happy for you because it sucks! I mean, it really does. This has made me believe that I should start a new leafe in my book if you know what I mean. I don't think that you guys would be really happy to know how I really feel inside because first, I don't know, and second, if I don't know how can I tell you. I say this, because I'm going to quit writing on this journal for I don't know how long. I'm not gonna quit completely, I might write some stuff every now and then. But I believe that it is time for me to take a journey for myself and face my own feelings and unfortunately I can't do this if I'm posting public entreies for everyone to know what's going on. Yeah, I might could write privats on here, but I feel like I should start from zero. A new sheet, a cleen slate, a new life for God, me and my family. However, if anyone of you guys want to know how I'm doing and I trust you enough then just give me a call or a message or something. And if you want to read my journal and get board then just read the old entries and remember who I use to be and laugh at the funny stuff that's there and cry at the sad stuff that's there also. I mean, it's your choice! I don't think that I will publish this new journal, but only time will tell. Like I said, if you want to talk to me, if you care that is, my aim user name is JC 4 satan 0. And as for my cell number, well, I wont give that out unless I know you in person so you're out of luck. Well guys, I thank you lots for having read this journal and stuck through it all. Your comments meant a lot to me and even though I didn't write any comments in everyone's journals I did read them at least once a week. Well, I hate to cut this short, but I really have nothing else to say without repeating myself over and over again. Hugs to all, even the ones I don't like, and I hope you all have a good life and God bless you always.

Hey everyone, so my first week of school went all right. I had or rather, am still having a very hard time getting up before 8 a-m because I usually get up later than that and also because this is my first year taking early morning classes and all. My schedule is wierd, I have three classes on monday, one on Tuesday, four on Wendesday and one on Thursday. It's very wierd and it's not the best schedule I would've chosen but what can we do. Remember how I said that I was going to take concert choir? Well, I didn't get in because the teacher said that it would be better for me to take voice because the music is like really high level like all state type music which if you haven't done it and don't know what I'm talking about and haven't heard of it, it's very hard and clasical and you have to learn one song per week which is really hard when you can't read music and when you're not at that level. So I'm glad that I'm taking voice in stead because I still get to do solo performances but not have to do all state type of stuff. Well, like I said before, this week was pretty good. There are still things that I have to get use to like getting up earlier and studying and stuff, but I'm looking foward to it. My psych classes are great . My teacher is excelent and I love it. My history class is all right and biology one's borring! I only have to do six two page papers for lab and I don't even have to go because the stuff that they're going to do in lab will not benefit me so the teacher's not going to make me sit through it. My voice class is going to be cool and I really wish that I'd signed for it earlier. I'm still learning my way around my classes which has kind of been a confidence challange but I know I'll get through it as well. I've also been playing around with the idea of getting a guide dog but I really don't know if I will get through because I need some mobility badly. The only thing that I can really say about that right now is that if God wants it to happen it will and if he doesn't then it wont. The reason why I've been thinking about getting a dog is because since I'm still going to school and will be going for at least another four years counting my master's and all I'd really use it and it'll be really help me be more independent. I know that it takes a lot of responsability and mobility and commitment and all that but I really believe that where there's a will there's a way. I think that if it is suppose to happen and that if is part of the plan in your life that it could happen no matter what. You know, some people believe that they have the right to break you down and make you feel like you'll never be able to do anything but they have no right to talk because some of them don't know what you as a person are capable of doing. I mean, I'm all for constructive criticism, but when they flat out tell you that you can't do it and that you'll never be able to do it that's when constructive criticism becomes destructive. Well, I've also been reading books here and there. I read Nineteen minutes by Jody Pico which was about a school shooting and now I'm reading the third book of the Maximum Ride series. I'm still reading the purpose driven life sometimes, but I get kind of board with nonfiction. I've also been playing miriani when I can squeaze it in between school and family and everything else. But they need to hurry up and get it back up again cause I'm freaking having withdrawls! I'm also kind of sad too cause a guy from church just died. I mean he was like 90 and he had been having hip problems and then he went for surgery and then he broke his leg and ended up going to rehab and then he wasn't eating and he got some kind of internal bleeding so I guess basicly he bled to death. He was a really nice man and it was really sad today cause he's the pastor's daddy and like she had to preach and all and it was just like really emotional the whole service was. Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm sure glad that I don't have to get up at 7 tomorrow. I do however get to watch Alex tomorrow for like five hours and he's two so... that's interesting. I guess we are gonna be watching lots of Tom and Jerry to keep him entertain, and maybe if I'm lucky I have to change diapers for the first time . Well, I have pressing matters so I must go. I hope all of you have a great day and God bless you always.

Hey all, well last week was interesting, I had to redo my schedule so I could put in a class that satisfied a scholarship requierment that I didn't even know existed untill it was time to pay and all the classes had been field so that was interesting and very very stressful. I had to choose a kind of work or preformance class and I chose choir and I'm really excited about it because I'll get to go to concerts and things like that. I've mist that since I graduated from high school because I hadn't done choir except for at church since then. I also went to a water park and got sunburned and it hurt for a couple of days but now I'm ok. I am still reading The purpose driven life. I'm like half way done with it. I've also been watching the olympics quite a bit because I truly admire those people who go out there to participate in them. And as you guys already know from my subject heading I'm one week away from going back to crazyworld. That means that my summer will be over as of next Sunday and it is both exciting because I'm starting a new major and taking choir which I really really like, and yes, very frightning because I have to learn how to get to a new building and I don't have much time to do that. But that's cool, I know I can do it and if I get lost and I have to ask for help then I have to do it. It's better to get lost and ask than to get lost and wonder around and look like an idiot! I'm not really worried about what others are going to say cause they're not in my shoes and they have no room to talk trash. And about what will happen next year? Well, I just have to cross that bridge when I get there right? I trust in God and I know that somehow, some way he will do me a little miracle. He will do it in his time and in his way. I just have to trust and pray with all that's in me. Oh, I've also been playing miriani and I like that game but I'm not an addict because I know that when school starts I'll not have time to fool around so I don't spend that much time on it. I'll give my best in everything for God and for the ones who love me. So that means no playing RPGs when I have to study for a biology test. But I still play right now when I get a chance and all. I'm not all that good at it like I can't fly or gun but I guess I'll learn right? Well, I'm out of here, hope you all can have a great day and God bless you always. PS, and for the high schoolers, have an excelent year and get ready to get up at 6 a .m.

Hey everyone, well I thought that since I hadn't posted in a while I would do that now. Well, yesterday was really cool cause I went swimming and I'm now sore because of it, but I had fun though. The other days have been all right. I've started reading a book called The Purpose driven Life which is about how you live a life to the purpose that God has for you. It's really easy reading and while it says that you're suppose to read it like one chapter a day I find it more helpful if I just sit and read it and write notes on it and answer the questions it has . I've also started playing this new game called miriani in which you are like in space . It's an RPG but I like it. I didn't think I'd ever get into an RPG ever in my life because I think those games are mortally stupid! But there was this board on the zone that was posted by a really stupid person who couldn't even spell and he posted a petition to bann the game and everyone wrote about how stupid this person was so that got me curious and now I've started playing it. I'm not really sure of what to do on it, but I guess I'll learn. I'm also waiting for school to start and am really looking foward to starting a new major because I really believe that God has called me to counsel and help others and that's what I want to do. Well, that's about it on what I've been doing. I'd like to invite all you guys today to watch the opening ceremony of the summer olympics. It's going to be aired at 7-30 6-30 central on channel 10 and I don't know if other channels are airing it but I know channel 10 is. So just watch it cause it's really cool and it contributes to support our athelits. I think that all those people prepare for a long time and the least we can do is watch them do their thing. I for one love gymnastics and when and if I have a daughter I'm going to put her in gymnastics cause I think it's cool. I also like track because I once was part of the school's track team and while I'm not and wasn't that good at the time I admire all those who can run fast and win and all. Well, I hope everyone can have a great day and God bless you always.

Hey everyone, well, life's going all right these days. I've been reading a lot seeing as that is the only thing useful to do in the summer without a job and waiting to be back in school. It's like part of me wants to be back in school but part of me is afraid of it. I experience those feelings before I'm suppose to go back to school. It's nnormal really. Like I said, I got three books with a gift certificate to books a million that my dad gave me. I bought one called Max Ride, The Angel experiment. It's about these 5 mutant kids who have wings and have been raised in a lab. They eventually escape somehow and go and live together. Max is the oldest one of the group and of course she becomes the leader or rather, the parent of the other four. So they have this other group of mutants who are called erasers and they're wolfmen and they chase the bird kids throughout the story trying to eat them. All the bird kids have special powers like one of them who's blind has like acute hearing and the smallest ones of the group has the ability to read minds and then Max hears a voice in her head that tells her what to do and kind of guides her. Then another one of the bird kids can imitate voices and sounds and another one can touch a computer and figure out its password. It's really a great book and now that I finished that one I'm reading the one that follows it called Max Ride, School's out forever. I also finished the glorious Appearing and Then yesterday I went to a memorial service of a guy that I didn't even know but since I had to sing in the choir I had to go. The guy that died was in the military and they did military honors and everything. That was really sad, I've only seen reall military honors once in my life and that was when my cousin died when I was 6. He had been serving the military for a long time before he was killed by the Colombian Guerrilla forces. I can't say that I remember the day like it was yesterday or anything because it was more than 10 years a go you know. But I do have very vivid snatches of little memories that become stronger and even more vivid as time goes on. Like I remember that I was getting up for school and my dad came in my room and he said "they have killed Freddy ." "How did they killed him?" I asked. and that when my dad said that the monstrous gerrilla forces had taken him away. I couldn't believe what he had said. I mean, my favorite cousin? The one who had tickled me until I practiclly wet my pants dead? As I showered and got ready to go out of town I remember his last letter. He had said that he wanted me to save him a big piece of birthday cake for when he got back, but now he wouldn't be here to eat it. He would be somewhere else. The day before the funeral one of my cousins and I plaied games as if nothing was happening. When you're little, pain and sadness are something unknown. Something that is very hard to understand. When night came, my mom and sister went to the funeral home because I don't know if they do it here in the U.S but in Colombia the dead's emmediat family stays with the dead in the funeral home during the night. I guess it's to watch over them or something, I find it kind of morbid really. So that Night I remember that all the pain and fear and all that came right back and stronger than ever. I remember waking up screaming because I started to hear the words that my father had told me. The next day we went to the fort where 21 year-old Freddy had been stationed for most of his time in the army. I remember seeing many people crying and beeing so scared. They all stood in this little room and they were all crying. I for one, could not cry. All I wanted was to see him for one last time, to know that he was somewhere. So my mother asked someone who was in charge of my cousin's body or what ever if I could see him. Well, some of you might already know that my only way of seeing is by touch. So i went to Freddy's casket and I did the bravest thing that I had ever done in the six years of my life. I did something that I will remember for the rest of my days. I reached up to touch his beautiful face. That face that laughed at me so many times. His small nose and closed eyes. I touched his head and I found stitches and I remember asking my mother if he had been shot in the head, but of course she didn't know, noone knew. I touched his hands, the long fingers so icy and lifeless. I stroked his arms knowing that he wouldn't feel. Those arms that tossed me upon the air and Karried me around the house with great love and pride. I touched the rest of his body and found his feet bare. Finally I stepped away from the casket not wanting to be near it again. I felt so cold and sad. I wished that I could just take him out and that he would be holding me and laughing again. I guess that a lot of things happened that day, but of course I was playing games with my cousin again. This time we were pretending to be soldiers. However, that was ended and I had to walk to the graveyard to barry him and do military honors. I remember that when we walked outside it was so hot and the walk was long. When we finally got to the graveyard, the pastor said something and then the milatary honors began. All around me people were crying and I was more scared than I'd ever been. I remember more than anything the tabs beeing played loudly and all I wanted was to be held but noone was there to hold me. Everyone cried and it was caotic and I cried because even at that age I heard the sadness of their music, and I knew without the shadow of a doubt that my beloved cousin would never come home . After that, there was silence. Such long silence. And then the gun shots, so loud and ominous. I cried more and felt so alone because everyone was so sad and that was something that was so alien at that age, so far away . I miss him still. At times when i do something grand I wonder if he's proud of me. When I was 13 I was suppose to write this monologue and I wrote one about him and what he had ment to me. I entered a contest and I had second place. During that time I wondered if he had been watching me, if he was proud of me. I felt that by writing that piece I had somehow brought him back to me. And so many old thoughts and feelings came back to haunt me once again. So many years after Freddy's death, I heard the sad music of the tabs once again and I froze! I think it was at a beteran's day program in the 8th grade. I had to fight so hard to keep myself from screaming because once again I felt as though I were six years old, in a hot sunny day and so very sad and alone. And yesterday was no exception. I kept clentching my fist and biting my lips. That sad music will forever be in my heart as the song of my fallen hero.
Well, if you guys are tired of reading, I'm done. Hope all of you have a great day and God bless you always. Ps, to all people in the army, I want you to know that I pray for you and hope you come home safely. And to all the families of those who have lost your loved ones in battle, I want you to know that I too lost a loved one and that you're not alone.

Hey everyone, well, I just put two pics in this thing, don't really know if they're the best ones or not seeing as I can't see them or anything. All I know is that they're of little Alex's first birthday so they out to be good. I don't really trust myself when it comes to pictures though. Well, this week has been all right. I really can't remember when the last time was that I made an actual update, but I've done quite a bit in these last weeks. I've read three books, I've been hanging around with my sister and my mom and Alex. I also went out to eat and got a haircut the other day with a friend. She decided that for my birthday she would give me a haircut and dinner so I said yes. I guess it was a way of her to tell me that my hair style sucked, but I don't care at least she didn't tell me that. Well I finished Message in a bottle and I read a book called Words of silk which was about how this girl met this guy in an elevator and she ran away from him and then she discovered that she was pregnant and he came back to her life and everything. It was a good book and I can't tell you the rest cause if you're a girl and you like a good love story you have to read it. I also figured out how to use my public web library to download audio books and got the Glorious Appearing which is the last book of the Left Behind series. I started to read those books when I was in the tenth grade. I came to TSB and found out that everyone was like all into those books. And I was curious about them . I had also heard from different sources that they talked about the end of times from a biblical perspective and I asked a friend to give me the first book. Well, from then on, I was hooked! I loved how they described all of the judgements and put them into today's language and how when you looked up on revelations and made a deep study on it it was clear that the authors of these books used scripture to write there books. I also found them touching and heart-warming. I began to wonder why those people wouldn't believe, I mean the evidence was right in front of their faces and still they didn't believe! It just really touched me to see the unbelievers and to see also the people that did come to recognize Christ as their savior. See, the thing is, eventually the decision to recognize Christ as your savior becomes a life or death situation. When you are stuck between not having water to drink because all water is turn to blood and you see the believers drinking of that same water and it is pure for them that's when you'll realize that you're making a mistake. And when you start seeing your family disappear and you're left all alone then you'll see what kind of a mistake you made by not accepting Jesus when it was offered to you. I don't mean to get too preachy, but I'm going to say this, all these prophesies from revelations are going to come true, and we don't know when Jesus is coming to earth. It could be tomorrow, the next day, in ten years, we don't really know. We don't know when the judgements are going to fall on this world. The truth is that they're coming and that God created this world and he can also destroy it whenever he so chooses to. This world is not ours, it is God's and we are just creatures living in it. So in stead of you guys thinking that everything belongs to you and you're in control, turn your lives to God because you can't control what happens and you have no control of your life living without your savior. You don't know if you're going to die tomorrow. You don't know if you are going to get in your car and get off the road or slip on a piece of black ice or something. I mean, if that were to happen where would you go, where would your soul go? I invite you all today to ask yourselves this, before you start to criticize this and think that I'm pushing , ask yourselves this, where would I be if I were to die. Where would my soul go if I die on the next hour. The truth is this,if you don't recieve Jesus Christ as your lord and savior you will go to hell, and hell's a place where is very hot and you have no water and you have demons laughing at you and reminding you of all your mistakes. It's not a pretty place to be. imagine beeing outside in 100 degree weather but ten times worst. It's hell all right and There's no easier way to say it. But if you recieve Christ today, you'll be in heaven holding his hand and singing and you'll be happy forever. You wont be blind, mute, deaf, fat, or depressed. And all you have to do is turn your life around and come to the arms of Christ. He's waiting with an open door and all you have to do is come in and let him embrace you. All you have to do is ask for forgiveness for everyone of your sins, every single one of them and he will forgive you. He will send you free! Just do it! What are you waiting for! Just tell him that you're not perfect and that you believe in the sacrifice that he has made for you on the cross. I promiss you that he will not leave you and that this decision will be the best that you have made in your entire lifetime. I also promiss you that he will exceptyou just as you are. I mean he wants all the unperfects so he can give you grace. The more dumb, the more dirty, the more afraid, the more ugly the better off he will and the more his angels will smile and rejoice. So just do it! Don't wait any longer and do it! Well, I really hope and pray that if you stumble into this journal and you're a nonbeliever you can take that leap of faith. In the meantime, I'll answer any questions. I mean, I'm no bible buff, but I know some bible buffs that will help me answer your questions. So again, if you want to recieve Christ as the Lord and savior of your life tonight or anytime and you need help leave comments here and I'll try my best to be there for you. Hope all of you have a great night and God bless you always.

Three minutes is a really short time when we speak about grocery shopping. However, for this experiment we are to grab everything we can from a supermarket. It is important to grab only the neded stuff and leave the useless elsewhere. some of the things that I would grab would be icecream, chicken, shrimp, gummy bears and maybe a bag of grapes. I would grab chicken because it is my favorite food and I could live on it if that was the only thing left to eat. I would also grab icecream because it gives me energy and you need all the energy you can get. I would grab shrimp because having shrimp for dinner would give your meal a touch of unspoken elegance that you can't provide otherwise. I would grab gummybears because they provide me with a delicious nightly snack. Finally I would grab grapes just as an afterthought because that is a way to keep my diet on the healthy side. Three minutes can be precious time. There are many things that you could do in three minutes. You could listen to your favorite song on the radio. You could write an email. You could also run the sixty meter dash. However, there is nothing more precious that you can do for yourself in three minutes than to buy groceries and give food to your body and live a healthy life.

Hey peeps, well, yesterday was my twenty second birthday as some of you already know. And if you don't, then I'm letting you know. Well, I had a really good day over all. In the morning my sister brought me breakfast and my dad called me first thing at 7. After that I spent some time on my own and watched tv. At about three, I got my digital recorder I wanted so much. About two hours later I had pizza and pasta. After that my dad came and gave me a gift certificate to books a million for 30 dollars. After that I went to choir practice and they sang happy birthday to me and another woman who had a birthday yesterday as well. While I was there, I ate cake and icecream. They also prayed and said why they were thankful to God for bringing us into their lives. It was awsome! After I got home, I had more cake because my sister had bought me a cake while I was gone. I had like three pieces of cake yesterday because the woman who had the same birthday as me had made me a cake with red M and MS. that was great, the whole day was great! The only thing that bothered me was that I was really sick, like my throat was hurting really bad and I couldn't hardly swalow. But I took two advils last night and went to sleep and although it's a bit full of junk, it doesn't hurt anymore. I think it was divine intervention if you ask me, but who knows. Well as I was saying, I had a great day yesterday. My recorder is really cool and I ate enough cake to gain 50 pounds! Well, I think that is all for now, I hope everyone has a great day and God bless you always.

Hey everyone, Well, I've thought of whom I admire and would really like to meet, but I never really considered going to dinner with them. I would be too afraid to go to dinner with them because what if we end up going to a fansy place and I pick up the wrong fork or spill my drink or cut the food the wrong way and end up looking like a cave woman. These are all things that I honestly fear if I were to go to dinner with a famous person. I'd also be afraid if this famous person decides to go to a new fansy restaurant and the food is all exotic and I don't know what's on my plate and maybe I don't like the food and end up making funny faces. But I guess if that's the case it could be an opportunity to try a new thing you know. I don't know why but fame intimidates me quite a bit. But yeah, I would if the opportunity is given like to eat with JK Rowling who as some of you might know is the author of the Harry Potter series and I love this series. Those books are my favorite and I would love to have a chance to tell her so. I mean, I wish I could write like her, I really do! But as for where I would like to eat, well, maybe at a pizza place because then I wouldn't have to worry about so many things. I wouldn't really cared where I went as long as she was there. If you were to tell me that she was at the mcdonalds down the street and that she was expecting me I'd go no question. However, if you were to tell me that she is at the Chinese restaurant on London street where you only had chopsticks to eat with or whatever I'd think about it twice. Well, withat last thing I think I've said my piece. Hope everyone has a great night and God bless you always.

Hey guys, it's been a long time and I know. These last few days have been quite uneventful. I've been going out to ran erands with a friend at times and at other times I've been here reading message in a bottle. Then other times I sit with mom and watch tv. I've been teaching Sunday school every week and then last week I listened to the ICC files which a certain person has been oh so very kind to spend a whole day in sending me. And after I was done with the files then I thought, well, what will I do next. I'm still trying to figure out what to do next but I'm not depressed or empty. I'm just... I don't know, I guess what comes next, I mean the really big thing besides my birthday is school. I don't know, I don't want to go back yet. Now that it'll be here anytime I'm afraid of what it will be like. But like I said, I don't have to think about it just yet. Well, the only other thing that happened last Thursday was that Alex got really sick with an infection in both ears. He was 102 temperature when we finally took him to the hospital. He was not keeping anything down and he wouldn't walk, talk or move. It was bad. But he's back to his old self thank God. He got on some antibiotics and some ear drops and now he has a few more days to take his medication. I also order my ds40 digital recorder and I'll get it in in three days. Well, I'm out of here now, I'm beeing summunned to eat, so I hope everyone has a great day and God bless you always.

The bathroom
Oh bathroom how much I ador you
With your full attention as I inter your small quarters
And your happy trickeling sounds as I pee with delight
Oh bathroom my solid companion
My closest and unconditional friend
My comfort as I do number two and hide from the smell
Oh bathroom I bow down on my knees because there's noone like you
I bow so low on the ground that I feel my hair entering the dark waters of your precious pool
And I cough up my afflictions watching them inter the darkness of your soul
Oh bathroom
Precious water closet
I will love you forever and always

Hey everyone, well, these last two weeks have been wierd to say the least. When I got back from camp I felt as if the wind had been nocked out of my whole entire system. I felt so hopeless and depressed I thought it was never going to end. It was and still is very hard to come back to the same old stuff at home. I guess I should've felt refreshed and relaxed and rejuvenated, but I felt empty and lonely. I went out with friends that week thank God, cause if it wasn't for that I probably would've gone straight to the nutthouse. It was kind of scary because I had never felt like that. It was like someone had died or something! Gladly though, things got way better by like Friday and now I'm back to normal. I mean I still think about what I did and wish I was there again and I still talk about camp and what we experienced with my friends that went there, but I'm not sad and crappy anymore. I've also felt a lot closer to God and now more than ever I understand that he's the only way and that without him we are all lost. I'm also ready to face whatever comes. I'm ready for my new psych major and all the new classes that I have to take, I mean it'll be kind of like a new adventure you know? I'm really looking foward to what God has in his plan for my life this year. I am also saving up for this new digital recorder that I want so bad. I'm going to try to buy it for my birthday which is coming up soon. I don't know , these couple of weeks have been better, I mean, there are still a few issues that have to be worked out sooner rather than later, but I know that I can do it and I know that I'm not alone in what I'm going through. I know that my mentor, where ever she is she's thinking of me and that she remembers me. And I also understand that she's just a click away. I emailed her earlier this week and I have no doubt that she will answer back when she can .I also know that God has me right in his radar and that he wont loos me. You know that God has this thing that has GPS in it and so that way he can keep up with me and everybody else at the same time? I've also been reading a lot which has helped me greatly or at least it did on these last weeks when I felt like there was no end to the emptiness, I read like two books at the same time. I picked the Mitford series again and am in the sixth book I think. I also read a book called Pillars of the earth which was about the times when they had Lords and monks and people like that. It was really good and it kept me busy. I'm now reading Message in a bottle by Nicholas Sparks and I really like it. I've seen the movie before so I know what happens at the end and everything. But I've heard the book is lots better. Yesterday was my mom's birthday so we went to eat and that was fun. I've also been going to church and teaching Sunday school again which is very weird because everyone's like fifty years older than me and they're all bible bufs and I'm not even trained! And I get all tungue tighd and keep on messing up and it's just really wierd. I don't feel like I'm good enough but for some reason I still feel like I'm called to do it somehow. If you guys have any ideas about how some poor college kid like me can be a better teacher to a bunch of old people please let me know. I have not a clue of what I'm doing and I want to look like I know what I'm doing, LOL. Of course they all tell me that I was great and all, but I still think I could do better. So if you have any suggestions about what would help me not feel wierd in front of all those old adults please let me know. Well, I don't think I have much else to report, I'll write some other time and I got to say this, if you're an lj member you need to try out the writer's block prompt, it's pretty cool. I might write some of that because I kind of like it. Well, hope everyone has a great day and God bless you always.

Hey everyone, Well, I find myself with nothing to do right at the moment and so I saw the writer's block question and I'm going to try to answer it. I found livejournal thanks to a friend and loved it because I knew it would give me the oportunity to write my thoughts down and let other people see them. Writing is my passion and I want others to see that and so that's the purpose of this journal, to speak my mind, let others know a little of what I'm like and practice on beeing published, LOL. It's actually the closest I've been to beeing published. Well, that's all, don't have anymore to say about the subject. Hope everyone has a great day and God bless you always.

Hey everyone, well, today I'm going to tell you guys a story, so if you don't like stories you may excet this journal right this minute and find something else to do cause it might be long and maybe boring. This story is as reall as Jesus, as deep as the ocean and as memorable as the first man stepping onto the moon for the first time in history. So I ask you to open your minds, harts and souls and read this story that is both excited and bittersweet.

*removeCamp Story
By
Me
She had been looking foward to this since the beginning of the year, knowing that this place would bring comfort and relaxation. Saturday had been a blur, field with things to do, places to attend, CDS to coppy and Bags to pack. She had stayed awake all night with excitement. On Sunday morning, she awoke with a start, realizing that this would be her last morning in a comfortable bed until the next week. She heard her mother showering in the bathroom and she waited for her to get out so they could play her favorite game of hide and seek under the covers. She got up, showered, dressed and packed the few things that were still left. After that, she ran out of the living room and waited a few minutes for her father to come. When her father knocked on the door she stood and kissed her mother goodbye feeling a little sad and afraid of leaving her mother alone. She gave a silent prayer to the Lord that he would keep her from beeing afraid at night and once again asured her mother that she would try to call as much as she could. She stepped into her father's smelly car and rode to the place in which they had to wait for the bus. Since they had made it an hour and a half earlier, they decided to eat breakfast at a near-by restaurant. She ate every type of meat that the restaurant buffet offered, knowing that she would not have meat for a whole long week. During the meal, the two adults spoke of nothing particularly dangerous or incriminating. They spoke of the weather, the war and other political issues that only her father knew about. She loved debating with her father. She knew that he was mean and cold hearted, but he was smart and loved to think through everything. Maybe that was why she had chosen psychology, she loved to read and analyse other people. However, the difference between her and her father was that she tried to be helpful and do what was right, while he was selfish and only thought of the good of himself. As they left the restaurant, they realized that it was still too early and that it was hot as the Dickens outdoors. They got in the car and drove around for a while. After about therty minutes of this, they finally sat in the parking lot and waited for the others to arive. The first person she spotted was her best friend. They hugged breeflly and talked for a few minutes while the bus arived. When the bus aproached, they walked inside and found a seat in the back. They spotted other friends and quickly made comversation. She sat beside a girl who had been going to camp and riding the bus for a while. They spoke for a little while and then she returned to her thoughts and her music. She would let the others talk now and enjoy each other's company. For now she had too much in her mind. Her father had just asked for an impossible ultimatum and she did not know what to say. Her life had been a mess this week, her father had been around everyday and she hated that, also her grandmother had just lost her fight to pancreatic cancer and even though she didn't show it, she felt sad about this loss. After two or three hours and a couple of stops, they were finally on the bumpy road to camp. She asked her best friend to record the first impressions of getting into camp. She suddently felt elated and happy. However, she also knew that this was the land of the boonies where there was no email, no facebook, and maybe not even cellphone service. She stated such thoughts in the recording. After a few minutes of bumping around, they finally made it inside the chapple where registration was to take place. She saw her mentor standing at the door, her flashing smile welcoming everyone to camp. She spoke to her and smiled along. After a few minutes of waiting, she stepped into the line and was escorted to her cabin by a nice man. As she stepped into the cabin and out of the heat, she felt refreshed and happy. She walked to her new bed and organized her stuff in a way that only she could find what she neded. The time passed as she spoke to the other girls and introduced herself to her counseler. After a long time they ate the evening meal. She was not hungry due to all she had consumed at the restaurant that morning. She sat and talked during the meal. After a while, they got ready to go up on the hot air baloons. She liked the hot air baloons for a reason she did not know. After waiting for everyone to get their turn, she headed to the camp firevalt to have their first worship and welcome of the week. The girls sat together some tired and some happy and energetic as the staff was introduced and the pep talk was given. She watch her mentor be the eyes of those who walked in darkness. She listened to her first message of the week and she saw something more that she had not seen in any pastor. That night she slept little. She tossed and turned on the small bed, and finally she decided to get up and get first bids on the shower. After a while when all the girls were ready, she walked with them to worship. They sat together and listened to the songs beeing played. They listened to one of the campers who could not cary a tune in a bucket but yet sang anyways. Finally, her soon to be mentor stepped onto the stage and spoke in a voice field with compassion. She knew then that this person had something hidden inside her. She knew that she was more than a simple speaker saying what had to be said. For the first time, she believed the words that the mentor spoke. After worship, they walked to breakfast and were fed well and ready for the activities to come. After breakfast and line call, She decided that she would ride the big boat. She loved boats, loved the power of the waves, the wind whipping through her hair and the peace of sails flapping against the water. She could sleep in a boat if a chance were given. After this activity was over, she decided to go toobing. Toobing was her favorite activity at camp. In fact, it was perhaps the second reason for coming to camp. She loved the speed and adrenaline this activity produced inside her, and besides, she would not get to do it anywhere else. Toobing was another reminder that God was in control and that as long as you held on to the handles you would not fall. This activity reminded her that even if she fell off the toob or off her path that God would always be there to hold her up. This activity passed too fast for her. She walked the painful path to the cabin and changed quickly into regular clothing. After supper, they walked to the field to play a most annoying game of beeperball. She hated the sound of the stupid ball in her ears, but she new that there would be people to talk to and laugh with. This activity passed more slowly. After beeperball, they went to their evening worship. They sang a few songs and she watched her mentor take the stage once again. She smile at her and she smiled back. She spoke about holding on to dreams and how God would protect people during the hard jerny. And once again she was stunneshed by her mentor's analogies, sence of humor and heart aching truth. The next two days were pretty much the same as the first one. She flew through fun activities, and meatless meals. Thank God she had brought cokes, other wise she would've been grumpy as crap and this week would also have been a cokeless weak. After wendesday's message, She had made up her mind. For a long time, she had wanted to speak about her problems with someone who didn't judge her. Someone who wasn't an old man or lady from her church, someone who would understand her. After her mentor had told all the campers the story of her life, she knew that this person understood. She knew that her mentor had seen almost everything there was too see. However, she did not bring up the courage until the next day. After the activities, she found herself next to her mentor and told her that she had been amazing. She did not tell her however that she neded to speak to her and that her mentor had been better than any pastor she had ever heard. She had to test the waters after all and she knew that flattery would be a great strategy to gain a person's favor. Thursday flew by too fast. She sat through talent night passing around candy and playing with her cellphone. She hated talent night because half the people couldn't sing! After talent night she slowly aproached her mentor and asked if she could speak to her. She regreted it instantly, in her eyes, noone neded to know her problems, especially someone who didn't know her at all. But it was too late, she had already opened her mouth and there was no time to take the words back. Maybe it was for the best, maybe it would feel better to let it all out in the open. But where would she start? What would her mentor say if she knew that this smiling girl was broken inside. Friday also flew by. She decided to ride horses and go to the nature center. She fed the tiny bunnies an apple and smile at their size. She also decided to go toobing, but it rained and she had to go back to her cabin in stead. After a few hours, the traditional crusifiction play came, she watched it atentively and felt it's usual impact touch her stony heart. After the play, her mentor asked everyone to tell what satan told them in their hearts. She didn't speak, because it was for her alone to know the horrible things that the devel said each and everyday. One thing she was certain though, was that she had not made the wrong choice by deciding to take her troubles to this admirable mentor. She waited until the Sabbath to aproach her again. The Sabbath day could only be described in one word, Awsome. It was a day field with worship. The mentor spoke about her feelings and how the evils of the world impacted her life. She agreed with everything the mentor had said because she felt that way too. After the church service was over, they had rest period and she and the other girls practiced the song that they were to do for the Christian talent show. After rest period, She walked back to the chapple and sat bored and staring at nothing as talent night went on and on. After that She witnessed a very special time of baptism. She was deeply touched by seeing her best friend being baptised and washed clean. After baptism, they walked to their last worship. She sat by her two newly baptised friends and felt elated with the holy spiret moving inside her heart and soul. She felt reall smiles cross her pretty face as they ran through their ten best songs. She listened to the mentor's message for one last time and it almost brought her to her knees once again. After the staff had sang their last song and the last awards were given she spotted her mentor and met her on the cabin's poarch. She was sitting in front of her mentor not knoing what to say. Yet she knew she had to say something. She began to speak and a nervous tone and the words flew freely from her heart. Her mentor listened with atention and She saw that this great person was not just hearing because she had to, but because she loved her. For the first time in years, she felt truly understood by a complete stranger. She listened to her mentor's words and felt her heart cry with happiness. She felt her soul smile because someone had finally taken it into delicate hands and held it like a precious jewell. After the comversation was finished, her mentor Held her hands and prayed for her. She felt the warmth of those hands which were bigger than her own and knew that she had finally captured a friendship that would last a lifetime. She gave her mentor a hug and felt warm and safe. The next day they all packed their belongings and got ready to go. During that last breakfast, she had a sickning feeling inside her heart. It was almost physical, as if she were in great pain. She spoke to everyone, smiled, and exchanged emails and phone numbers. She cursed herself for not having anything to write with or even a tape recorder. Right before the bus arived, she said good bye to her new mentor and hugged her tightly. Knowing that she would not see her again for another year or maybe never. She promissed herself that as soon as she got a hold of her mentor's imfo, she would right or call or something. During the bus ride back home, she spoke very little. She felt too sad for words, too tired for smiling, and too upset to hope. She ate snacks and tried her best to appear as though nothing was happening inside her. After all, they were about to have reall meat and candy for a whole other year. But none of this mattered to her now, all she wanted was to listen to her mentor once again, to have her close and be able to smile with her once again. After having lunch with her father, she reached home and felt the sickning lonelyness. She sat on her couch watching a movie which distracted her from her most painful thoughts. She went to bed that night exhausted but knowing that she had to pray. As she prayed, she felt the raw pain and she asked God to take it away. She felt the hot tears rich her eyes. She cried for her mentor whom she missed so much already. She cried for life, for the emptiness that she felt after going to an old church for so many Sundays and singing the same slow songs. She prayed for the Lord to give her fire once again. She prayed for comfort in the blend sea of her life and she wondered why she couldn't be happier with what she had. The next two days passed quickly and uneventfully. She still feels sad and lonely, yet she knows that her friend and mentor would not want to see her weeping. The person in which she had seen Jesus would not want to see her sad. She would want to see her laughing, joking and enjoying life to the fullest. And as she prays every night, she knows that her mentor is not dead and that she will see her again next year or maybe the next. She knows that where ever her mentor is, she is thinking of her. But perhaps the greatest hope of all is that someday sooner or later she will see her mentor somewhere in paradice.
I want to thank all of you who stucke with me through this long story, and I hope that all of you can someday build relationships that will last forever. Hope everyone can have a great, I'll write some other time and Godbless you always. Ps, if you hate this story make sure to tell me so, lol. Just don't be rude or apnoctious.

Hey everyone, I'm going to try to make this post short because I promised myself that I'd go to bed at 11 so I'll try to make this short. Well, this week has been all right. Saturday Alex turned two and we had a small party and he played with all the baloons and he was so cute. On sunday at 12-30 PM, my grandmother from my dad's side, my only living grandmother died of pancriatic cancer. That was kind of hard, I mean, I wasn't very close to her or anything. She wasn't really all that nice to me and my mom, but she had to raise 14 kids all by herself and that makes her an amazing woman. I can't help it but feel sad that she lost her fight, but at the same time I feel kind of relieved because she was suffering a lot and now she's in a better place and all her pain and misery are over and done with. I read a really beutifully done speech made by her very smart son and that's when it really hit me. At first I just wanted to sleep but of course I couldn't, but now I'm really thinking of who she was and stuff. On Monday and Tuesday, I took care of my 11 year-old friend and watched a bunch of movies. Yesterday I finished a really good book called PS, I Love you. I can't tell you what it is about, all I can say is that it is an awsome book that you absolutely have got to read some time in your life. Then today I chopped my hair off for camp so that it can be easier to take care of and all. I wasn't sad about it iether, well, maybe a little, but I was sick of my stupid hair not growing. I also went shopping for stuff for camp and I bought myself the movie The Golden Compass which I plan to watch tomorrow during the hours in which there is absolutely nothing on tv. Then tomorrow I plan to get my body ready to wearing bathing suits and stuff, you girls know what I'm talking about right? I also plan to eat lots of candy and meet cause I know that when I get there I'll have niether for a whole, long week. I also plan to update my mp3 player and put some new music in it, and last but not least, I'm going to a wedding. So needless to say I'll have an extremely busy day, not to mention that I also have to find time to get up earlier in the morning and get my daily walk. So I have two days left till I get to go to my favorite place in the summer, I mean it's kind of like Christmas, but it's in june you know. I just love every chance that I get to get out of the house and go swimming, and toobing, and walk up and some steep suicide hills, lol. I'm probably too old to go there, but a lot of people that go there are way older than myself so... I mean they're not all the way there, but they are older I promis! Well, I hope that by now all of you peeps who read this thing know that this week of beeing out in the boonies is great fun, but beeing in the boonies means exactly that. It means that I won't have a computer and maybe not even phone signal, so pretty much I'll be incomunicated for a whole week. Isn't that so sad and terrible So if I don't write tomorrow, I'll just write when I get back and I'll tell you how it all went. Well, I hope everyone can have a great week, and God bless you always.

Hey everyone, Well, this last week or two have not been very eventful. I've been reading a lot and just taking a break from school work and things. I have at least one more week untill I go to camp and I'm looking foward to that. I also have a wedding to go to next saturday and that's pretty much it as far as my life is concern. I actually want to talk about my thoughts on a couple of controvertial subjects. As you already know, I just finished a book that had to do a lot with genetic modifications and moral/ethical issues that the world I believe is going to have to discuss sooner or later; I'd say rather sooner than later. One of this issues is the making of transgenic animals. A transgenic animal is any animal embryo to which human geens are incerted to produce human-like qualities. Now, in the book that I just finished a man had made a research project in which he incerted his own human geens into a chimp. When he went to the lab and found that the monkey was indeed his son, he was told that he had to end the experiment. In other words, he had to kill the human/chimp. He ran out of the lab and raised the monkey who was able to speak, had some form of thinking but yet had animal qualities and instincts. My question to you guys is: do you think this experiment should have been terminated or did this man do the right thing by keeping his son? What kind of a life will this thing have is my concern. However, if the chimp was the man's son, and he made it, shouldn't he keep it and raise it? This book also talked about a man who was diagnosed with some type of leukemia and he went to this doctor who took cells from his body and without the man's promission sold them to a company that made genetic drugs. Now I ask you this: should a person be obligated to sale cells or any part of their body for research and drug making purposes? I honestly think that human cells, viruses, and organs are important for future research and might contribute to curing uncuarable illnesses. However, I think it should be the person's own choice. Another issue that this book presented was a sixteen year-old girl who was saling her egs to get breast implants. When her mother found out she went to the police and they told her that it was the daughter's body and that she had no authority over her. Now, do you think that the mother should've had some say in what the girld did with her eggs? It's hard to say for me, because it is the girl's own body, but this just shows that we can buy and sale anything. That we can sale what's ours and what God has created in our own bodies. All of these issues show that some big brother owns us and that there is no stop to what will happen. I'm honestly scared because just the other day on the news I heard that they are making transgenic animals. I mean, are we going to have to see mutations walking around us? Talking cows, math solving cats, shooting monkies? I surely hope that I don't live to see that. But I'm afraid that our generation is going to live long enough to see mad scientists playing God. I mean I agree that research should be done and that it is important to have healing drugs, but really, how far is too far? How does a cort react to a case where a person is cloned to save the life of another, to live for the other to die. This is a normal, living breathing person with desires hopes and dreams who just wants to be normal. How do we react to this? How far do we go to get profet for our own beings? These are all situations that will impact our lives and that we unfortunatly have to live through and be openminded about and really look at both sides and finally do what's right for the commun good of everyone. Well, that's all I have to say, I'd honestly like to see some comments here, if you haven't written anything in any of my other entries, I'd ask you to write for this one because I'd like to know what you think of this stuff because I don't know about you, but I think that it's very important. Well, hope everyone has a great day and God bless you always.

Hey everyone. Well, life is a tug of war. We're pulled by an unseen current. A current much stronger than ourselves, with waters that bring both pain and happiness. Pulled by two different forces. By what is right and what is wanted. We're pulled by our feelings, our needs, our wants and what we must do to survive and help others survive. We our ourselves forces of all good, evil, right, wrong, desires, and needs. We all have emotions and we all have needs. So what is the right thing? What is there to do when we have so many things inside. We are pulled by the passed and by the present and future. It's all a force that is strong and will never stop playing with us. How do we know what is really right? How do we know if what we believe to be true is the truth? How do we know if what we've been told is true? One thing is for certain though, whatever we believe we'll never stop believing, because to some of us this is the right thing. This is the rock solid truth no matter what they say. But what about other feelings and values? Do we assume them the same way? Do we keep believing that these are right too? What about people who hurt us and do us wrong? Do we forgive and forget what they've done? What if the wrongs are too evil to be forgiven? Or are we the ones to decide the extent of the evil doings? Is this another force that pulls us around? Is forgiveness another force that we all have to fight? Yet it is so difficult to forget and forgive. How do we forgive the people who abuse us? How do we know if they truly are trying to turn their lives around or if it's another one of their lies? Life is all a tug of war. A war that seems so dark at times. So difficult to fight. Almost impossible and so strong the forces. All united together to make us who we are. All together to tell us what to do. So now we ask ourselves, what if this war stops? Do we stop living too? Does it stop when we die or does it stop when we are unable to go on and fly and our wings are shattered? Can we survive without that pull? Can we survive with the constant reminder that life is not a bed of roses? Is one able to live without a drive? Is one just a shell with out this dreaded tug of war?Life is a tug of war, and endless tug of war that will never break or snap .

Hey everyone, well, the semester is way over by now. I got my grades on Tuesday and I'm very happy. I had an A in History, an A in math for all things, An A in bio lab, aB in western lit and a B in biology. I really didn't think I'd get a B in that class, but I did so I'm very happy and glad it all paid off. On Wendesday I went to church and did the usual. Then today I haven't done anything. I don't really have any plans as of right now, just going to call that counceling place so that I can help out or whatever. The only thing exciting that I'm doing is teaching adult Sunday school this week. I'm very nervous but I'm prepare as well, so wish me luck. I'm also reading a book by Michael Craton the same guy who wrote Jurasic Park. It's about like the new genetic research and all the issues both moral and ethical involved with it. It's pretty good. Well, I don't think I have anything else to report. I will write some other time. Hope everyone has a great day and God bless you always.

Hey everyone, well, it's been a long time. A lot has happened since I last wrote, which was... when? Well, who knows. Well, last week my computer decided not to have internet access so I spent a whole week without checking my email or being able to search for information which I badly neded to do. I got my computer back on Thursday and was told that it was my antivirus that was blocking the internet explorer, so I got another one and now I'm back online. On Tuesday of last week I had to go to knoxville for counceling training for the Francklin Graham festival. On Wendesday I had choir practice at church plus I had to study for a math test that I had the next day. On Thursday I had to go back to knoxville for choir practice for the festival. On Friday I went to attend the festival, sing in the choir and councel. It was awsome! It was like a 1000 people choir and it sounded beautiful! They also had like lots of head-banging Christian bands and many people came foward to give their lives to Christ. On saturday I spent all day pretty much on the computer doing one of my lab papers. I still haven't done the other one. On sunday I went too church and then went back to knoxville for the final seremony of the festival. Now that one was even better because a lot more people attended and a lot came foward. There were lots more artists like Michael W Smith and george Beverly Shea who is like 99 years old and still can sing. There was also more music that I knew and it was so cool because just to hear that whole arena singing and praising it's like amazing! I'm really glad that he came to our area and that many people got saved and that they now will be able to change and turn their lives around just like I did when I was 16. Yesterday I went for my literature final and found that I got an 82 on my paper which is just favulous because I worked really hard on that paper because I didn't have a computer and I had to retype the whole paper on my sister's computer which doesn't have JAWS and skip my first class in order to get my works cited page done for the paper and my materials for the oral presentation that I was suppose to do that day. So I'm glad it all worked out and that I can be proud. Today I got done with my math final and found out that I got a 90 on it and an A for the class. Too bad I have to take another math for psych, that really blows! Then I don't have to go tomorrow or Wendesday so that way I can study for my 100 question biology test so I have plenty of time. Well, I can't think of anything else that happened during these last two crazy weeks. I'll write some other time. Hope everyone has a great day and God bless you always. P.S good luck to all you guys out there who are taking finals this week, and to the highscholers, don't worry it's just two more weeks of getting up at 6 A.m and then you can sleep as late as you want.

Hey everyone, well, let's start for the most important. You know how I was saying that I wanted to help others and be a counceler? well, I've made a drastic decition. I know, I love to write and my dream was and in some ways still is to write for a newspaper. However, times change and reality kicks in all of a soddent and you just have to think about what will offer you more opportunities. Well, I've officially changed my major to Psychology because in order to be a journalist you kind of have to have connections and I don't have those. You also have to be able to be available to go out at any hour of the day in order to cover a story and that's not easy to do when you can't see shit and you can't drive a car and you live in an area that has no transportation. I know, you might ask yourselves well, why doesn't she move to New York and seek her independence? Well, the answer is this, I don't want to pay $525 or more a month for a one room apartment which just so you know is like the cheapest you can get around here. Well, you see, I don't want to waste that kind of money when my mom is willing to keep me at home and I don't have to pay anything. I mean I can just save my money and then in the future when I get married or something, I can move out and have something to fall back on. Now that doesn't mean that when I transfer to university I wont live in the dorms cause I'm goin too. It would be dumb to commute when you can just stay and not have to move every day and drive for two hours or whatever. I just think that by beeing a counceler I can get a pretty good paying office job and not have to like suffer with moving out and maybe going to a poor government apartment . I know that that is the desire of every kid my age, and I know that everyone is going to call me every name in the book, but honestly if I'm moving out of the house I want to make sure I have the money to pay everything that I have to pay. Well, with that speel out of the way, I'll tell you about my week. Well, I made an 86 on my math test and a 67 on my biology test. I have to make 2 90's in order to make a B in that stupid class. I don't know how I'm going to pull that off with so little time left in the semester. I don't want to settle for a C. My GPA is low as it is. I have my last two lab papers to do and two more tests for biology. I'm also not looking foward to my math final, it's going to take forever! Well, I'm out of here, I'll write some other time. Hope everyone has a great day and God bless you always. P.S If you feel like you need to make a change in your life, pray to god, search your heart and don't be afraid.